November, just a reminder to be thankful

At this time of year, I can only imagine how it looks to have snow all over the lawn with people carefully walking around and children playing. As I think of the true meaning for this season, I feel humbled by the sacrifices and ideals that we have as to what is important. I know that my life is blessed and I have so much to be thankful for. As a nation, we have been promised that if we can be a faithful and free nation if we follow the promises and live the type of life that Heavenly Father would like, a life that is promised to be a blessed nation. As it gets closer to the last days, I can only feel humbled and scared that his promises will come to pass. My faith, however, helps me to know that I must live a righteous life in order to obtain the blessings that have been promised to me.

Heavenly Father is always with me. He has motivated me to do what I can to help others. He keeps me grounded and guides me to share my love for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I shall declare my testimony to all those who will listen and try to motivate them to learn about his wisdom and the true church. I can't imagine my life without him. It hurts that I wasted so much time staying away because of the wrong reasons. I know I have discomfort and pain most of the time but when I look at others who struggle so much and still make an effort to go each week, I feel shamed and uncomfortable and I know I need to go as much as I can.

I wish for all those who struggle from day to day the opportunity to gain a better life that they can improve their situation. I also feel humbled that I will not decorate this year as the only reason I was wanting to was for spite. The wrong reason for sharing my happiness. Christmas happens no matter what I can or can't do. My world is more perfect than I can imagine and I have been feeling so full of the spirit, an overwhelming burning in my bosom that I can only hope will stay for a long time.

So, thank you for always being there for me, listening to my grumblings and complaints. I am truly thankful for the weight loss and the improvement of my health. Thank you for just everything that I have and love. I am grateful for the love I feel and the blessings I have. God bless all of you who read this. I m who I am and I will always share my life with my friends and family...

Get things in perspective

From this day forward, I plan to do more of something that I am constantly procrastinating about. Getting perspective or having my life in proper order is a very big goal.

I've spent the last 11 years wondering in a fog in indecision and misdirection. Promising to myself that I would read my scriptures, go to church and maintain a more spiritual attitude and a better moral persona. I know it seems like a lot to do and it is. I just can't continue to have doubt and feeling frustrated for not attending my meetings and being a better example of what a true member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS or Mormon) should be. I know that the world feels we are a cult that lives strange "stepford" type of lives but a person that lives their religion, no matter which they choose, lives a structured life. You gain a true understanding of what is important for you and tend to quit worrying about things of which you have no control.

I know that it's my choice to do these things and that I must try my best to be all I can be. Heavenly Father blesses those who do their best and also provides the guidance needed to succeed in all things required of us. So, get going and gain your perspective...

It's Coming

on Thursday, July 12th. I will be having the surgery I have been preparing for. I am so excited. Today, I did the pre-op bloodwork and ekg/chest X-ray. I actually lost another pound. Considering I have disobeyed the rules of last meal, I am surprised. I must say I was not worried until I got into the elevator to go see the doctor this morning. My stomach took a flop and I immediately felt sick. It only lasted a few minutes but non-the less, I did feel the sensation. I am excited to know that I can accomplish this one task. I have spent to many years trying to lose the weight and I know that this is a lifetime commitment, but I will prevail. I have felt the temptations of the food calling me all the time. I have been weak so I pray that I will win this one war.

I have spent so much time, trying to figure out what it is that I truly want to accomplish in this life. I am excited to see my interests finally expanding to things other than the internet and staying in my dirty stinky lounge chair. I have enjoyed getting out into the clear blue skies of the coast. (we went at least 3 times within the last few weeks). We also have been working on possibly moving somewhere else than Fresno. I like Fresno but I can't see me spending the rest of my life here. I need something more by a cooler and more constant weather for my health. It is much easier to walk aaround there without feeling exhausted from the fumes and the strains of the area...for some reason, I don't like walking here in Fresno, it might be a hidden fear that I will have to conquer. Maybe it's as simple as I live here and don't feel like walking the area on a constant basis...I think I will lean towards that answer.

I know that all the things that are opening up in my life is because Heavenly Father wants me to improve my life. I also know I am stretching my luck as I haven't done anything to show him that I appreciate his help. Really? it would be so easy to get back in track with him. I guess I've allowed too many excuses and temptations to cloud my reasoning and judgement. Since this blog is about Life's decisions, maybe it's the next one I need to attack... Just saying.. I must start showing Heavenly Father that his faith in me is not a waste of time. I must start doing some of the things I promised. I am praying and trying to maintain a positive attitude but haven't done the rest of my side of the bargain...

Heavenly Father is the only reason I am here today. He saved me many a time from a short life and helped me to endure things I never thought I could. I know without a doubt that I am here for a reason and need to get busy and fulfill my responsibilities. I will begin to do those things tonight as I finish this blog post, I will do my scripture reading and say my prayers for the evening. I know if I do my absolute best, (not just part way) I will be blessed for being who I need to be and who I want to be. I know Satan has made a big imprint on me and expects me to fail. I will do what I can to frustrate him and make myself and Heavenly Father happy and proud to be who I am. Well, I will end this and wish me luck and pray that I will successfully go through this operation without any real trama...Love to all of you who read this....Jan

Gary, my wonderful husband and very patient partner. He has done so much and yet, I continue to forget to give him his due. I fail to recognize the sacrifices he has made for my sake. He is a giant among men to me. I know without a doubt, he is a true High Priest and honored member of my life. He shows the respect taught to him through out his childhood and adult years.
Gary is mostly a soft spoken, minimal conversational, shy and introverted person. He has the great capacity to talk to just about anyone but doesn't like to deal with crowds. I love him for the patience he shows to some of my impossible 'commands'. I find myself feeling shameful for excercising my womanly wiles on him and I know he feels frustrated by this.
Gary is my hero and the most favorite of people in my life..I truly love him eternally...

In the middle of the night..

I had my one brilliant thought for the day...Pity it was for today and not yesterday. I guess I've been wondering how my life is changing. I have noticed that a lot of my new friends are from my past. The children and grandchildren of my friends in school. I've also noticed that they are still having the fun of sharing their thoughts, ideas, pictures and lives with each other. It was something I thought I was missing until these last few weeks. Being the only member of my immediate family living in California...along with the mastermind of the blogging world (Dave and his wife), makes me feel lonely. When I get online with my friends and family, it feels the void for a period of time.
At the same time, I am making new friends and finding out new likes that I have. I wonder through the internet and the different sites and find things I never imagined I could share with people. Most of the time, it dwells on my most favorite topic of the church, but occasionally, it defies the very thing I believe. Perhaps it is a bit of a stretch for me, but I do my best to keep the subjects clean and responsible.
A couple of weeks ago, I was defiant and negative because I had someone post their feelings online that I didn't approve of. Naturally, being the non-conformist, I deleted the post and tried to block the person. I learned a valuable lesson on forgiveness and sharing. I actually appologized for the folly and let the individual post his thoughts. I don't always agree on other's sites and there it's ok if I just stay away and keep my opinions to myself. I need to learn patience and understanding for all those who struggle in this life.

Being on a medical website has also made me look at things differently. I've had days where I was positive and alert to what the fellow bloggers were into and more often than not, days where I just couldn't face the site and say something positive. Being an avid avoider of my feelings, I have spent time struggling with myself and afraid to face the facts. I also have been up and down on other things as well.

Reality is what I am facing now. The reality of the truth and facing my demons. It makes it tough and me anxious for what is bothering me the most. What are the meaning of my continuous dreams about riding a train to no where? Why am I going to this strange building that I've never been to? What is in the dangerous towns/cities I've never seen? Why is it that when I finally get to the bottom of a dream problem, that I wake up and can't see it all? Perhaps it has to do with my life as a whole. How I never finish anything, even this blog is a mish mash of confusing thoughts and ideas... I don't know if it has to blend together but in the back of my mind I feel the truth of facing myself. I know I need to get more involved with the church and to face my weaknesses of insecurity and anxiety. Heavenly Father is probably trying to get me to see that not everything has an ending or needs to be followed completely...Maybe the cities are places that I shouldn't tread, yet the curiousity is still there. Maybe this has to do with the future vacation that my husband and I are planning.

All I know for sure is that it is on my mind day and night. I hope to someday capture the truth of these things and make a better future for myself and my family...Dang...that brain flare? Well, it was nothing...

Strange feelings of anger and frustration

This weeks episode boys and girls is not a happy one, well maybe some of it will be. Perhaps I can explain how I feel by inserting some information and just expanding on it after wards...

[A Letter to the Normal’s from a Person With Severe Chronic Pain"

Having chronic pain means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about chronic pain and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually misinformed.

In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand: These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me.

Please understand that being sick doesn't mean I'm not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit, sometimes I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me, stuck inside this body. I still worry about work, my family, my friends, and most of the time, I'd still like to hear you talk about yours, too.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time. In fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So, if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy. that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!" or "But you look so healthy!" I am merely coping. I am sounding happy and trying to look normal. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome.

Please understand that being able to stand up for ten minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour. Just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn't mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed, or you can move. With this one, it gets more confusing every day. It can be like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day, how I am going to feel when I wake up. In most cases, I never know from minute to minute. That is one of the hardest and most frustrating components of chronic pain.

Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting", "walking", "thinking", "concentrating", "being sociable" and so on, it applies to everything. That's what chronic pain does to you.

Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It's quite possible (for many, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I'll have trouble getting to the next room. Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!" or "Oh, come on, I know you can do this!" If you want me to do something, then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally. If you are able, please try to always remember how very lucky you are, to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.

Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. You don't know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me that I need to exercise, or do some things to "get my mind off of it", may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct. If I was capable of doing some things any or all of the time, don't you know that I would? I am working with my doctors and I am doing what I am supposed to do. Another statement that hurts is, "You just need to push yourself more, try harder". Obviously, chronic pain can deal with the whole body, or be localized to specific areas. Sometimes participating in a single activity for a short or a long period of time can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time, which can be intense. You can't always read it on my face or in my body language. Also, chronic pain may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed and down if you were hurting constantly for months or years?), but it is not created by depression.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now, it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm somewhere, or I'm right in the middle of doing something. Chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. Lord knows that isn't true. In all likelihood, if you've heard of it or tried it, so have I. In some cases, I have been made sicker, not better. This can involve side effects or allergic reactions, as is the case with herbal remedies. It also includes failure, which in and of itself can make me feel even lower. If there were something that cured, or even helped people with my form of chronic pain, then we'd know about it. There is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with chronic pain. If something worked, we would KNOW. It's definitely not for lack of trying. If, after reading this, you still feel the need to suggest a cure, then so be it. I may take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

If I seem touchy, it's probably because I am. It's not how I try to be. As a matter of fact, I try very hard to be normal. I hope you will try to understand. I have been, and am still, going through a lot. Chronic pain is hard for you to understand unless you have had it. It wreaks havoc on the body and the mind. It is exhausting and exasperating. Almost all the time, I know that I am doing my best to cope with this, and live my life to the best of my ability. I ask you to bear with me, and accept me as I am. I know that you cannot literally understand my situation unless you have been in my shoes, but as much as is possible, I am asking you to try to be understanding in general.

In many ways I depend on you, people who are not sick. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out. Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, the cooking or the cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor, or to the store. You are my link to the "normalcy" of life. You can help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss and fully intend to undertake again, just as soon as I am able.

I know that I asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. It really does mean a lot.

Thank you

Jan]

This kind of expresses my frustration of how Fibromyalgia is to me. I put on a good face yet, it's tiring and makes my totally angry...I'm not who I once was...I can't go out and do the things I used to do. I do not like feeling this way but it is part of the package..  I want you to know that mostly, I am so grateful to Heavenly Father that most of the time, I can get through this illness. I guess I do have my moments and these last few weeks are it. 

Strange as it seems, it is also the best of times for me..I am now getting referred to the Bariatric doctor for the RnY surgery. I am excited and scared at the same time. That's probably the reason I've been so moody. I love my family for all they have had to put up with.

Today, I read about how to manage your anger and the best way I can describe it to the average "Normal" person is that it is like grieving. All the steps...You must go through it all..time and again until you can 'accept' the situation fully...With an incurrable desease, it is almost impossible to finish the steps...

So. for me, it is important to gain the support I need on a daily basis..Maybe just playing the games online, or chatting with family or friends online.l am trying to do what I need to do and will do so until I have the chance to realize that I can endure...I will endure...I will succeed...and I will persevere...

THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT TODAY......

Confusing Thoughts

I was supposed to get back here a few days ago. I guess I got busy and forgot this time. I've been quite busy here online. I found a new website for people with ailments and permanent disabilities. www.patientslikeme.com infuses all types of ailments that are being researched. They have you list your medications, ailments and other biographical information. The site includes forums on different ailments like fibromyalgia, MS, Migraines and a lot of other situations. I enjoy the opportunity of sharing how I feel and explaining my situation. It is hard to explain here but the people I mingle with there are in the same boat as I am. It is easy to see their problem and to help each other try to deal with day to day life. I use it to help me make wise decisions and to understand why I feel as I do.
As for my health situation with my future surgery, I found out last week that I need to have an Angiogram this week; Wednesday to be exact. I am kind of nervous, but I think it will turn out alright. I just spoke to one of the nurses and finished out the information she needs to get me going. I am actually feeling a bit better after speaking to her. The best part of all this is that I will be able to have the Bariatric Surgery in a few weeks or months... I guess it just sounds strange me rambling like this but that is how my mind is thinking right now. I only hope that I am giving you the information I wanted to convey. I guess to make this more interesting, I need to get my thoughts in order.

The bunny picture is to calm down my thoughts and confusion that is going on in my head. I guess I need to understand why I feel confused and happy at the same time. I hope I can deal better with the progress of my goal. It makes me feel nervous about how or if I can finish this goal. At the same time, I feel spiritually happy and sure that I can do this. I hate to end this but I am not feeling the proper motivation to write this today.

Maybe the next time, I will be able to get my actions together and give a more thought provoking feeling to my writing. I love to get more emotionally into my writing. It helps me to express myself better.

There you go....

The Latest News...

has a mix of positive and negative reactions. I was thinking (which is NEW for me anyways) of how I was going to present the information. The news came on the same day, the same visit with a doctor. I am beginning to think that all my outside activity brings me to a doctor's office. What a way to go....

First we go with the good news... I have lost another 3 pounds. It seems strange that I finally am able to lose. I do know that it is my fault that I couldn't in the first place. I am accomplishing a goal, fulfilling a dream and making my life better. I also am reading my scriptures more...that's good news because it gives me an edge on my daily mood. The more I communicate with the religious side of me, the better it is to make the decisions I need to make that are so serious in my life. I am eating less...it is getting easier to push away the food and go on. Just a wonderful thought has occured, I have heard that it takes 21 days (3 weeks) to make or break a habit. It is well into week 5 since I had a soda. I still think of having them, but I maintain that I feel better without the temptation in my life...

Now for the not so good news...My tests (thought I only had 1 left), has advanced to two tests...Dang it, I thought I was almost done. I guess that will be ok. I went to my Cardiologist this week and had my yearly exam. It pretty much came out the same as last year. I didn't have to do the stress test but when the doctor came into the room, he presented me with a quick and decisive question. "It appears that your ECG is looking strange. It did last year also but I felt at the time that you would be ok after we did the stress test".  Ok? I said to him and myself mostly...the thought occured to me that things were not going to happen as far as my Bariatric Surgery was concerned. He saw the obvious look of frustration on my face and said "Don't worry about your future, I just want to do an Angiogram on your heart. I then feel that you will do great for the Bariatric Surgery afterwards." I smiled some and said that it would be alright. He didn't want me to have to deal with the 90 to 10 prospect of death should I have a heart attack. I continued the somewhat stoney smile and walked out the door, received the appointment information and walked out to the car.

I really wasn't so upset at the prospect of another surgery, which I now feel is strange, but I do feel frustrated with the idea of having to wait another week or two for my B. Surgery. I know that I am blessed with good doctors and I know that Heavenly Father is making sure that all steps are taken for the success of my future. I am blessed with a good family and life. I am thankful for all I have, especially my family, friends and accomplishments I have made...GOOD FOR ME!!!

Why am I doing all this??

I have probably driven this point into the ground, but I feel it's worth repeating. Why am I doing all this?
The Psuchologist asked me this yesterday. She asked my weight, height and all the vital statistics, also the medications I take. What is your main reason for wanting this surgery. In retrospect, it seemed like I had a simple answer, which she made more complicated. I know why..it's what psychologist's do...I am ok with that too. I tried to tell her that it was to make me feel better about myself. "What do you mean?" she asked. I looked at her for a moment and smiled, which made her smile. I guess I have been heavy all my life. I've never been skinny or even close to skinny...Chubby Jan since I was 6...she asked me why was I always chubby. I told her that I have spent my life trying to understand that one. I think it is because food was my escape..(you've heard this before? I am SHOCKED!!)..When I was happy, I ate, Sad? I ate, Angry? I ate...etc...you know the rest. I have lost more than 3 times my weight over the years. I struggle now but with perseverance and pride. The right kind of pride. I am not going to let this go to my head.

Like the picture above, I am going to fight for this cause... It's my future. I went on to answer more questions about my weight, height and why again. I think the main question that kind of blew me away was: "Have you ever had the urge to kill your husband?" I smiled at her with a incredulous look on my face. No way was I ever going to kill the man I love with all my heart. When she heard that, she smiled again. Next question was if I ever thought of suicide. I told her that it was a greedy person who gave up on life and killed themselves. They are denying themselves of all the opportunities of friends and family and every day life. It doesn't hurt them so to speak because they have made up their minds and are doing what they feel is their only course. BUT... all the people who knew/know them will be hurt beyond measure...What could I have done to stop this situation. Why didn't I see the signs? Lots of things come to mind...I also told her that I was ABSOLUTELY SURE that I wanted this surgery. She started to write a lot of notes in her note book and I just sat there...Thinking of whether I passed the 'test' or not.

This is my motto, but I do know that physical and spiritual improvement is a must. I will do what I must to be the type of person that is a good example for others to follow. W.W.J.D.  is a much used phrase that was on  wrist bands, key holders and many other types of items to remind us of what to do... I look at a more simple symbol used by my church...CTR...Choose The Right.... It's a song that small children everywhere know by heart by the time they are 5. It is a good thing too...

Choose the right, when the choice is placed before you.
Choose the right, the holy spirit guides
In the right, the choice is placed before you
Let God and Heaven be your guide..

Choose the right, choose the right,
let wisdom mark the place before
In it's light, choose the right
and God will bless you ever more...

Just try to remember that everything we do, is for a reason. We choose to make our day to day lives a misery or a wonderful day...It is up to you...That is why I am doing all this...Jan

As I sit

see above... here I notice a lot of things that I like. Music, pictures and other interests seem to be there for the taking. Of course, if the technological advances were not available, I'd have to go OUTSIDE and brave the blustery day we are having. It's raining...something we have needed for so long. Here in California it has been a long fall/winter/spring....mostly spring type of year. I think I remember about 2 or 3 weeks of winter, though I'm not sure.

I also have noticed the awareness of my senses for the news and interests of other people. I tend to interject thought into some of the things they talk about. Sometimes, I get ignored and on other occassions, I get attention to the point of interaction. Either way, it gives me an opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings. Last night as I read the scriptures here on Facebook, I was humbled to realize the faith of the Nephites back at the time of the Book of Mormon. The Gadianton robbers were trying to overtake the Nephites and were repelled back time and time again. The Nephites had been advised to store up their goods and necessities to prepare for attacks from the robbers. They complied and also went to their knees and prayed. At the greatest moment of the ongoing attacks from the robbers, the Nephites took up their arms and surrounded the enemy from the front and the rear. Those who would not surrender were killed and they lost their leader. Some of the enemy found softness in their hearts and joined the Nephites. Those who didn't, continued to be inprisoned and left alone. They had many years of peace. They followed their Heavenly Father and their leaders. Mormon was the man that told this story and had many more battles and wars to the end of his days.
Mormon Channel

Did you know that 170 years ago today, Joseph Smith organized the Relief Society?

Celebrating 170 Years of Relief Society | Mormon Channel

mormonchannel.org

Relief Society sisters throughout the world are invited to celebrate by participating in activities that will engage them in the work of Relief Society.

He made his choice and was able to provide the necessary skils to do the work that God asked him to do. I know in my life, when I am doing the goals and promises I made with Heavenly Father, that I can do most anything I challenge myself to do. I have noted of late that the struggles seem less heavy and the blessings more strong for me. I am truly grateful for how much trust and faith Heavenly Father has in me and given me to fulfill the promises I've made. To know that I am able to lose the necessary weight, and provide myself some spiritual respite is an amazing thing to me... God provides for those who help themselves.

I want all those who are struggling to know that I am praying for your family, child or friend that has passed, been injured or having ailments at this time. To be in touch with so many people provides me an opportunity to share how I feel and what I am trying to do in this life...Heavenly Father is the reason I do this, he and my family...The church is a good thing for me to share with my friends, family and acquaintances...

Relief for better days ahead

What a difference between today and yesterday. I was able to turn in some test results that we have waited over two months for. She was glad that I had lost 5.5 pounds too...boy, I feel better now that some of these things that worry me are off my chest.

Today, I wish to convey some positive hope for those trying to lose weight. My nephew has made it look easy for within the last year he has lost over 100 pounds *He will correct me if I am wrong*. Yet, I sit and struggle to lose a pound a week if I am lucky. I guess it's a good thing though. I just want you to know that perseverence and stubborness is on both our sides, be it harder or easier. We are just two examples of how a person can accomplish something. Dave has the persistance to begin and go on with anything he decides to do. He doesn't mess around with should I or should I not? He just goes with the flow and does things his own way. He maintains control of his ideas and continues to complete the things he wants to do. Yet, I tend to be one that can't decide for sure if I want to do something new. Whether it be losing weight or getting my religious motivation going. I guess it is a good thing. I got to say that when I finally do make up my mind, I go for it with everything I have. Though I trip up some, I get back up and go on.

My dietician asked me today if I would share this blog with her group. I gave her the address and told her to share it with everyone she knows. I just want to let you understand that my goals are not just the weight loss, but also my religious, personal, and emotional health as well. I want to be able to show a personal view of how I am able to do the things I do. It won't always be positive, but I will surely try to keep negativity out as much as possible. I am human or I wouldn't be here on earth...so, the progress will continue.

Today, I am grateful for the friends and family that have supported me in my attempt to lose weight and the other goals I have done. I also want to thank Heavenly Father and his son for their support and the support of the Holy Ghost. I also want you to know that I am grateful for what I have in this life and my main goal is to make me a better person so I can help others more and feel worthy and wise enough to do so. When I do things for others, whether it be sharing pictures of interest or just a motivational statement, I feel good. I feel like I can do something. I've had/still have a depressing feeling about myself because of the mix of emotions and actions in my early years, but I have worked most of my adult life to change that and make something more of myself. So, keep reading and doing your best to lose the weight you need to...It may take a lot of time, but it is a worthwhile goal and something you can continue to do for the rest of your life...after all, life is what we make it...I want mine to be lasting and comfortable...Jan

Tough Days are the best!

Yeah, I know it sounds kind of strange, saying tough days are the best. They are in a sense of learning and going on. I have been on this diet maintenance situation for over 6 months now. It is not an easy thing for a gal that likes her cookies and pastas. I can go without the meat really easy, but put noodles in front of me and here I go, porking it all down. I say this because I have had a challenging last few weeks. I haven't up to this time, been sincerely trying to lose the weight. I've been breezing through the meetings and just taking it really easy. The last month or so, things finally got to me and I became serious.

Now, that I am getting it so to speak, it gets harder to accomplish my goal. I was challenged two weeks ago to try to lose 10 pounds by my next visit which is tomorrow. I have only lost 5 and a half pounds. I feel basically like a failure. It frustrated me this morning while I was getting ready for another doctor appointment to discover that I was "Too Big" for a table they had for a bone density test. I almost cried on the spot. It really hurt to realize that I had failed to lose the weight. Then, I realized that it was my fault. Up until the last couple of days, I was doing really well, thinking I had everything in the bag, I kind of cheated some. I pay for that by not accomplishing the goal the Dietitian set for me.

I soon realized that I did accomplish one BIG goal that I have tried to deal with for the full 6 month period. I was finally able to stop drinking the diet sodas and eating the goodies that I had been doing all the time. I was finally able to stop eating the meats and sandwiches that added the pounds on... I have finally been doing the walking that is required to be more firmly capable. I needed this because I don't really want to be flabby after I lose the weight that I need and want to lose.  I finally feel like I am able to walk more and get around much better. I am able to feel better as I write this because I feel like I was able to accomplish something in spite of not losing the weight I was challenged to do. I hope that I can continue to deal with my situation more so.  It finally feels good to realize that I did do something I should. I just have to continue to try harder and do my best, after all, I will be having the surgery in a couple of months. It is a blast!!

So, in short, I am doing what I can to lose the weight that I have been challenged to do. I finally feel great and appreciative of the challenges I have had. Thanks to God for all I am able to do. Now, I can be the best I can be. I only hope that this will continue to improve my personal feelings about myself. On to the next level...

Improvements made

Personal challenges are in my mind today. I have decided that exercise isn't such a bad deal. I did a lot of walking this past weekend while in San Francisco. It did hurt afterwards but none the less, it was worth it. Tomorrow, hubby and I will be starting our walking regime. We will be going to Fashion Fair Mall and walking from one end to the other and back...It doesn't sound like a lot, but we won't have to worry about the weather or anything else that could give me (especially me) excuses to quit. I guess it's a new start in a lot of ways for me. I can only hope that I can do this without regret or failure. I must concede that I will have to change my habits and diet more to accomplish my goals. Soooo, today I here-by acknowledge that I will start walking and continue doing so as long as I am here on this earth. Loving the idea that these things will happen? You bet I am...see ya later!