Today feels...

different, strange and unsettling. Not sure what I feel right now. My third to the top brother called today. I don't hear from him very often. Of course he wanted money and of course, I don't have any. I tried to carry conversation with him. He was and is worried a out a cancerous growth he has on his back. I pray all will be ok. So sad. I guess I don't know how to understand cancer and it unsettles me a bit. I hate cancer...it's more than a disease it's a evil element of life. It spreads like a dark cloud covers the sky, progressing slowly and yet, quick enough to feel auminous and suspecting. Evil because it doesn't care who it's victims are and it doesn't have feelings for those left behind. Evil because it transforms a strong healthy soul into a tiny spectacle of itself, weak and crying in pain. Oh how I hate cancer.

Cancer has a way of making people suffer and hurt. Pain beyond compare. No sleep, no food, sickness and loss of life.

The only good thing about cancer is the allowance of the person in question being able to live through it and go into remission or to die and be free of the misery... I support different types do chronic illness sites and feel that though I've been negative with this blog, but I also know that the strongest and loveliest people I've ever known suffer from chronic disease and cancer. They have the most positive of attitudes. They make you feel weak and thoughtless, humble and shamed. They seem to gain a strong belief in God and his ways. That is a good thing. It helps the patient and the family try to cope. 

I guess my feelings get confused as far as illness is concerned. I feel today like life isn't fair, punishing those who are good and humbling those who have been bad. I know that people are only given what they can endure but sometimes, I get frustrated and weak. Feeling sorry for those who suffer, including myself. Seeing the years of suffering of my friends and family who have gone to cancer and other nasty diseases. Today, I only see the bad...maybe that will change soon...