I had my one brilliant thought for the day...Pity it was for today and not yesterday. I guess I've been wondering how my life is changing. I have noticed that a lot of my new friends are from my past. The children and grandchildren of my friends in school. I've also noticed that they are still having the fun of sharing their thoughts, ideas, pictures and lives with each other. It was something I thought I was missing until these last few weeks. Being the only member of my immediate family living in California...along with the mastermind of the blogging world (Dave and his wife), makes me feel lonely. When I get online with my friends and family, it feels the void for a period of time.
At the same time, I am making new friends and finding out new likes that I have. I wonder through the internet and the different sites and find things I never imagined I could share with people. Most of the time, it dwells on my most favorite topic of the church, but occasionally, it defies the very thing I believe. Perhaps it is a bit of a stretch for me, but I do my best to keep the subjects clean and responsible.
A couple of weeks ago, I was defiant and negative because I had someone post their feelings online that I didn't approve of. Naturally, being the non-conformist, I deleted the post and tried to block the person. I learned a valuable lesson on forgiveness and sharing. I actually appologized for the folly and let the individual post his thoughts. I don't always agree on other's sites and there it's ok if I just stay away and keep my opinions to myself. I need to learn patience and understanding for all those who struggle in this life.
Being on a medical website has also made me look at things differently. I've had days where I was positive and alert to what the fellow bloggers were into and more often than not, days where I just couldn't face the site and say something positive. Being an avid avoider of my feelings, I have spent time struggling with myself and afraid to face the facts. I also have been up and down on other things as well.
Reality is what I am facing now. The reality of the truth and facing my demons. It makes it tough and me anxious for what is bothering me the most. What are the meaning of my continuous dreams about riding a train to no where? Why am I going to this strange building that I've never been to? What is in the dangerous towns/cities I've never seen? Why is it that when I finally get to the bottom of a dream problem, that I wake up and can't see it all? Perhaps it has to do with my life as a whole. How I never finish anything, even this blog is a mish mash of confusing thoughts and ideas... I don't know if it has to blend together but in the back of my mind I feel the truth of facing myself. I know I need to get more involved with the church and to face my weaknesses of insecurity and anxiety. Heavenly Father is probably trying to get me to see that not everything has an ending or needs to be followed completely...Maybe the cities are places that I shouldn't tread, yet the curiousity is still there. Maybe this has to do with the future vacation that my husband and I are planning.
All I know for sure is that it is on my mind day and night. I hope to someday capture the truth of these things and make a better future for myself and my family...Dang...that brain flare? Well, it was nothing...
