Testing the new computer

Well, here I am on the 'new' computer. Tomorrow we add a 80 g hard drive so I can have SOME memory. I appreciate getting this stack for a minimal price but not adding memory sucks. Anyway, I diverse from why I am here or....do I?

I've really enjoyed the opportunity to move here to Pleasant Grove, UT and gain a better insight on my religion and my personal values. I had gone off the deep end so to speak and I was acting a fool and idiot. I tried to compromise my life style by doing what others around me were doing. It's not a good thing for me. Others may feel different but as I continued to do the things I did, I felt guilty. Here's Satan on one side telling me that it's ok, do what you wanna do, and of course the still small voice was loudly proclaiming to me to stop being an idiot and get my house in order. So, I quit just like that. I'm not saying that I'm not tempted to do the smoking anymore but I do know that my will to do the right is much stronger at this time. I hope it stays that way.

Gary is getting ready to have the infamous knee surgery that he has been persuing for the last 10 years or so. I'm grateful that he found a good doctor that recommended it for him. I can tell that he is nervous about it and so am I. I also know that in the long run, he will feel better and that makes me feel better. Cee Cee is gaining fans all over the complex and all over town. She is a trooper and loves to show off her guarding and barking skills. Of course, that means when she is close to momma and not loose. Things change when the protection is gone or should I say the one she 'protects' is gone? What a funny girl she is. She is finally learning how to play with toys and people. I'm not sure if she knew before this but it's bringing out her doxie personality.

I've met so many wonderful people here, through the church and through my family. I've enjoyed making friends with various people at different stores and places we are starting to frequent. I can't wait to meet more and gain more perspective on what northern Utah has to offer.

See ya soon with more intellectual prose....Bye for now.....Jan

Decisions.... Decisions

Everyday we face life, we make decisions. Most are unconscious as in waking up, getting out of bed, using the restroom and getting dressed. These are the automatic decisions we make and along with eating and survival instinct, make up a common day. I like these types of actions as I don't have too worry and stew over making them, unless I'm having a Fibro-flare, then all is confusing. 

Decisions have a way of making our lives bounce in many directions. We choose to do certain things for survival, spiritual and fun reasons. Some decisions can counter balance other decisions and when they come up at the same time, it creates Kaos and disorder if not properly thought out. I do not like these types of decisions. They are the momentous ones that can change lives with friends and family, acquaintances and people you don't even know....yet! In making the decision, we can anger some people and make others happy. So, what do you do? I know for me I have to rely on the one. The being that so much enhances our lives. It makes us change directions and head down another path.

Relying on God, for me is a no brainer. Sometimes, when we humbly come to him in prayer, we get the easy answers we want to hear. Other times, he makes us be patient and drives us gradually to the decision he wants us to make. It doesn't always end favorably for the decider either. We do things because we want to, or have to, or need to do them. He provides us the catalyst needed to choose which way we should go.

As a human being, we also make decisions based on emotion. Choosing to go our path and in spite of the encouragement to go another direction, we go what we think is the easiest and fastest answer. Sure, it works out to start with, everyone's happy and for a time, things work pretty well. Then the wall caves in and somebody gets hurt, or frustrated. Giving in to these types of decisions can ruin friendships, relationships with family and even spouses if not handled properly. 

It's always important to research each decision we make to see how it effects those around us. If in fact, it helps most involved, then indeed we choose the likely answer.  Sometimes, we must think of the one instead but not to the detriment of our own futures and successes. 

So, in closing, remember to be smart and prayerful about your decisions, even those small daily ones that seem so automatic

Probabilities become possibilities....

I have nothing to say but I wanna write. What do I do? I could just jabber but it's rediculous. I have things to say but it's hard....rats. So, I will end this crazy weird statement with one thing... I love you all....

This must be my rant and rave place...

DAMN IT! It's been a see saw day today. I don't  wanna write puppy stuff, literary genius stuff or soft mood stuff. So, I turn to the wrong decision site to share my frustration. Ive been upset since I first saw my Father in law last week. No one so wonderful deserves to suffer like he did. I still feel he's in a better place and that it has been a beautiful last few days; but right now, this very moment? Life fricken sucks. Yeah, I know I shouldn't be so wildly emotional. He's better off. We will see him again, he's with mom, etc etcetera etcetera...yada yada... Can you say pissed off! Yeah, that's me right now. Add my other issues of health, finances and the rest and you've got one mean moody lady that NO ONE wants to be around. Ok, I still read my scriptures every night and with lots of prayer, I'll get through this. I know that... I wish I didn't feel guilty about being to angry. It's part of reality I guess. I've been venting to anyone who will listen but I'd better cool that or they won't want to be around anymore. I hate this...I hate this...I HATE THIS!!! 

Ok, ok, I got that out... Feeling sorry for poor little Janet is over. I've got to get my head on straight if I can expect things to improve. Besides, I've got positive news too...and it's just in proportion to how I get myself together as to how things will end up. Heavenly Father has blessed me so much. I'm not denying that. I know he's there for me and that's why I feel so bad about how I'm feeling right now. My dog just crawled up next to her crying momma and laid down next to me on the chair as I type. I'm not doing this to have everyone feel sorry for me. I just need to get things out! I am ever so grateful for the love of my family, friends, and especially Heavenly Father... I'm grateful for the possible good news of a place for me and pop...just us after so many years. It will also get rid of some of the resentment and bitterness I've felt over the years. I can now realize how much that has ruined my health and my life. It's very true how much it hurts the angry compared to the person or persons it's directed to. I probably shouldn't put this down but it's time for me to grow up and put my big girl panties on... Too many things affected my feelings these last few years, jobs, people, situations, decisions, health, and it goes on. 

Maybe this blog has been a good thing because I've been able to share over time how I feel. Sometimes, it just doesn't fit right with the other blog sites I have so, this poor thing gets all my random rants and raves. Perhaps, over time, this blog will close, but until then....watch out! The moody obnoxious crazy woman is still alive and well...

Love you all, no matter what my mood is...like the Duke said... Saddle up anyway...

I thought I saw a

Former member of the family. I hope not to upset people about this. I supposed I could just be a dream from the past but, here goes the story. About a month ago, I had a dream that my sister's husband was still around. Rick and Suzie's love story knows no bounds. It's a true love at first sight story. They met inadvertently at the bowling alley in NAS Lemoore waaaaaay back when we were all young adults. We had gotten together as a group and Rick showed up. He had previously planned to go to a movie but changed his mind. He came into the alley not knowing there was a church activity. He was planning on bowling alone like he had done many times in the past. I'm not sure of any of the details as all I know, he ended up sitting next to Suzie and they talked, and they talked and they talked. Oh, and they bowled too! Anyways, they convinced us to let him bring her home. She was in Heaven from that day forward. As most of us know, they now have three kids and 7 grandchildren. 

My first dream involves the kids when they were much younger. Probably from looking at pictures of them recently at the younger ages. I was visiting them and it was in base housing. Not sure but it looked like China Lake. It was a very brief dream but the whole family was there. The second dream ( last night's dream) was at one of our churches cultural halls. It was a single adult activity that became a  family activity. I guess I was there for a reason but not sure why. When I first saw him, he was young and arnery. He was wearing some type of warrior costume with sprockets as breast plates and a strange looking het. He had no weapons, but he looked as if he could battle. As few seconds later when I saw him, he was older. Probably in his thirties or forties. He was chatting it up with some people in the group. All this time he watched as Suzie was sitting with a good friend and having fun. Later I had gone up to Suzie and asked her if we were the only ones that saw him as Rick. For I felt if the others had they would have been upset and confused. She mentioned that she wasn't allowed to say anything. He looked over from across the room like he could gear us and told her not to say anything. The other people could not hear this conversation but I heard him as if he was next to us. Later again, I saw him in his gray suit and cowboy hat. He came and sat by me and I woke up.

The reason I mention this is that my reaction was why does SHE get to have him around when my first husband John couldn't be there? As the dream progressed, I learned that she needed his help. He was there to make sure she was able to meet the right person for her future. Perhaps this is something I hope will happen. Perhaps he will help her find a new mate for here on earth.

I know that God gives us these puzzles for a reason and I know I have worried for quite awhile for Suzie to find a nice man to settle down with. Of course, when she is ready. I also know that Heavenly Father gives us thoughts for a reason. Since this one is still fairly vivid in my mind, I know I needed to share it.  Let us know and understand the meaning of all things through prayer and supplication.  Read your scriptures and talk with God. Ask questions and when the time is right, the answers will come.

Today feels...

different, strange and unsettling. Not sure what I feel right now. My third to the top brother called today. I don't hear from him very often. Of course he wanted money and of course, I don't have any. I tried to carry conversation with him. He was and is worried a out a cancerous growth he has on his back. I pray all will be ok. So sad. I guess I don't know how to understand cancer and it unsettles me a bit. I hate cancer...it's more than a disease it's a evil element of life. It spreads like a dark cloud covers the sky, progressing slowly and yet, quick enough to feel auminous and suspecting. Evil because it doesn't care who it's victims are and it doesn't have feelings for those left behind. Evil because it transforms a strong healthy soul into a tiny spectacle of itself, weak and crying in pain. Oh how I hate cancer.

Cancer has a way of making people suffer and hurt. Pain beyond compare. No sleep, no food, sickness and loss of life.

The only good thing about cancer is the allowance of the person in question being able to live through it and go into remission or to die and be free of the misery... I support different types do chronic illness sites and feel that though I've been negative with this blog, but I also know that the strongest and loveliest people I've ever known suffer from chronic disease and cancer. They have the most positive of attitudes. They make you feel weak and thoughtless, humble and shamed. They seem to gain a strong belief in God and his ways. That is a good thing. It helps the patient and the family try to cope. 

I guess my feelings get confused as far as illness is concerned. I feel today like life isn't fair, punishing those who are good and humbling those who have been bad. I know that people are only given what they can endure but sometimes, I get frustrated and weak. Feeling sorry for those who suffer, including myself. Seeing the years of suffering of my friends and family who have gone to cancer and other nasty diseases. Today, I only see the bad...maybe that will change soon...

Phazed and Cornfuzed

I am so excited to be able to move this weekend, sooooo why am I so depressed? I've been kind of in a slump these last few days...strange. I've been thinking about it for the last few days and I think I've figured it out.

We've moved a few times, almost every year and it was no big deal. Back and forth, back and forth... To Nevada and Utah and back to Fresno. Then on to Colorado and back to Fresno. So, we have left Fresno a few times, not to mention that we've lived in every part of this town. It's crazy... So, why does it bother me to move this time? I think it's because of the fact that THIS time it feels final.or at least that's how I feel about it. I guess as much as I've complained and griped about some of the bad things I felt about this cow town, I've also grown to love some things about it.

Like for instance, the fact that such a big town does have a small town personality.it bothers me in some winces that Fresno is so hick, as far as taking care of the people here and some of the strange and bizarre decisions they have made. As for the people here? Well, they are mostly polite and kind and just plain friendly. I've learned in the last few months especially how much they help and how they want to know people. I never really had an opportunity to meet my neighbors in the past. Apartment living made it easy to avoid people and to keep to myself. Now, I get with the neighbors and know names. I've always had friends here in Fresno and everywhere we have lived, but it's the feeling of comradurie and helpfulness that has made the difference.

Yes, I'm still excited to move but I finally realized that this big hick town ain't so bad after all...