Probabilities become possibilities....

I have nothing to say but I wanna write. What do I do? I could just jabber but it's rediculous. I have things to say but it's hard....rats. So, I will end this crazy weird statement with one thing... I love you all....

This must be my rant and rave place...

DAMN IT! It's been a see saw day today. I don't  wanna write puppy stuff, literary genius stuff or soft mood stuff. So, I turn to the wrong decision site to share my frustration. Ive been upset since I first saw my Father in law last week. No one so wonderful deserves to suffer like he did. I still feel he's in a better place and that it has been a beautiful last few days; but right now, this very moment? Life fricken sucks. Yeah, I know I shouldn't be so wildly emotional. He's better off. We will see him again, he's with mom, etc etcetera etcetera...yada yada... Can you say pissed off! Yeah, that's me right now. Add my other issues of health, finances and the rest and you've got one mean moody lady that NO ONE wants to be around. Ok, I still read my scriptures every night and with lots of prayer, I'll get through this. I know that... I wish I didn't feel guilty about being to angry. It's part of reality I guess. I've been venting to anyone who will listen but I'd better cool that or they won't want to be around anymore. I hate this...I hate this...I HATE THIS!!! 

Ok, ok, I got that out... Feeling sorry for poor little Janet is over. I've got to get my head on straight if I can expect things to improve. Besides, I've got positive news too...and it's just in proportion to how I get myself together as to how things will end up. Heavenly Father has blessed me so much. I'm not denying that. I know he's there for me and that's why I feel so bad about how I'm feeling right now. My dog just crawled up next to her crying momma and laid down next to me on the chair as I type. I'm not doing this to have everyone feel sorry for me. I just need to get things out! I am ever so grateful for the love of my family, friends, and especially Heavenly Father... I'm grateful for the possible good news of a place for me and pop...just us after so many years. It will also get rid of some of the resentment and bitterness I've felt over the years. I can now realize how much that has ruined my health and my life. It's very true how much it hurts the angry compared to the person or persons it's directed to. I probably shouldn't put this down but it's time for me to grow up and put my big girl panties on... Too many things affected my feelings these last few years, jobs, people, situations, decisions, health, and it goes on. 

Maybe this blog has been a good thing because I've been able to share over time how I feel. Sometimes, it just doesn't fit right with the other blog sites I have so, this poor thing gets all my random rants and raves. Perhaps, over time, this blog will close, but until then....watch out! The moody obnoxious crazy woman is still alive and well...

Love you all, no matter what my mood is...like the Duke said... Saddle up anyway...

I thought I saw a

Former member of the family. I hope not to upset people about this. I supposed I could just be a dream from the past but, here goes the story. About a month ago, I had a dream that my sister's husband was still around. Rick and Suzie's love story knows no bounds. It's a true love at first sight story. They met inadvertently at the bowling alley in NAS Lemoore waaaaaay back when we were all young adults. We had gotten together as a group and Rick showed up. He had previously planned to go to a movie but changed his mind. He came into the alley not knowing there was a church activity. He was planning on bowling alone like he had done many times in the past. I'm not sure of any of the details as all I know, he ended up sitting next to Suzie and they talked, and they talked and they talked. Oh, and they bowled too! Anyways, they convinced us to let him bring her home. She was in Heaven from that day forward. As most of us know, they now have three kids and 7 grandchildren. 

My first dream involves the kids when they were much younger. Probably from looking at pictures of them recently at the younger ages. I was visiting them and it was in base housing. Not sure but it looked like China Lake. It was a very brief dream but the whole family was there. The second dream ( last night's dream) was at one of our churches cultural halls. It was a single adult activity that became a  family activity. I guess I was there for a reason but not sure why. When I first saw him, he was young and arnery. He was wearing some type of warrior costume with sprockets as breast plates and a strange looking het. He had no weapons, but he looked as if he could battle. As few seconds later when I saw him, he was older. Probably in his thirties or forties. He was chatting it up with some people in the group. All this time he watched as Suzie was sitting with a good friend and having fun. Later I had gone up to Suzie and asked her if we were the only ones that saw him as Rick. For I felt if the others had they would have been upset and confused. She mentioned that she wasn't allowed to say anything. He looked over from across the room like he could gear us and told her not to say anything. The other people could not hear this conversation but I heard him as if he was next to us. Later again, I saw him in his gray suit and cowboy hat. He came and sat by me and I woke up.

The reason I mention this is that my reaction was why does SHE get to have him around when my first husband John couldn't be there? As the dream progressed, I learned that she needed his help. He was there to make sure she was able to meet the right person for her future. Perhaps this is something I hope will happen. Perhaps he will help her find a new mate for here on earth.

I know that God gives us these puzzles for a reason and I know I have worried for quite awhile for Suzie to find a nice man to settle down with. Of course, when she is ready. I also know that Heavenly Father gives us thoughts for a reason. Since this one is still fairly vivid in my mind, I know I needed to share it.  Let us know and understand the meaning of all things through prayer and supplication.  Read your scriptures and talk with God. Ask questions and when the time is right, the answers will come.

Today feels...

different, strange and unsettling. Not sure what I feel right now. My third to the top brother called today. I don't hear from him very often. Of course he wanted money and of course, I don't have any. I tried to carry conversation with him. He was and is worried a out a cancerous growth he has on his back. I pray all will be ok. So sad. I guess I don't know how to understand cancer and it unsettles me a bit. I hate cancer...it's more than a disease it's a evil element of life. It spreads like a dark cloud covers the sky, progressing slowly and yet, quick enough to feel auminous and suspecting. Evil because it doesn't care who it's victims are and it doesn't have feelings for those left behind. Evil because it transforms a strong healthy soul into a tiny spectacle of itself, weak and crying in pain. Oh how I hate cancer.

Cancer has a way of making people suffer and hurt. Pain beyond compare. No sleep, no food, sickness and loss of life.

The only good thing about cancer is the allowance of the person in question being able to live through it and go into remission or to die and be free of the misery... I support different types do chronic illness sites and feel that though I've been negative with this blog, but I also know that the strongest and loveliest people I've ever known suffer from chronic disease and cancer. They have the most positive of attitudes. They make you feel weak and thoughtless, humble and shamed. They seem to gain a strong belief in God and his ways. That is a good thing. It helps the patient and the family try to cope. 

I guess my feelings get confused as far as illness is concerned. I feel today like life isn't fair, punishing those who are good and humbling those who have been bad. I know that people are only given what they can endure but sometimes, I get frustrated and weak. Feeling sorry for those who suffer, including myself. Seeing the years of suffering of my friends and family who have gone to cancer and other nasty diseases. Today, I only see the bad...maybe that will change soon...

Phazed and Cornfuzed

I am so excited to be able to move this weekend, sooooo why am I so depressed? I've been kind of in a slump these last few days...strange. I've been thinking about it for the last few days and I think I've figured it out.

We've moved a few times, almost every year and it was no big deal. Back and forth, back and forth... To Nevada and Utah and back to Fresno. Then on to Colorado and back to Fresno. So, we have left Fresno a few times, not to mention that we've lived in every part of this town. It's crazy... So, why does it bother me to move this time? I think it's because of the fact that THIS time it feels final.or at least that's how I feel about it. I guess as much as I've complained and griped about some of the bad things I felt about this cow town, I've also grown to love some things about it.

Like for instance, the fact that such a big town does have a small town personality.it bothers me in some winces that Fresno is so hick, as far as taking care of the people here and some of the strange and bizarre decisions they have made. As for the people here? Well, they are mostly polite and kind and just plain friendly. I've learned in the last few months especially how much they help and how they want to know people. I never really had an opportunity to meet my neighbors in the past. Apartment living made it easy to avoid people and to keep to myself. Now, I get with the neighbors and know names. I've always had friends here in Fresno and everywhere we have lived, but it's the feeling of comradurie and helpfulness that has made the difference.

Yes, I'm still excited to move but I finally realized that this big hick town ain't so bad after all...

Another Day, Another Disaster

DAMN!! Well, I think one word can tell how I feel....Damn...! I'm not sure anymore if I should be shocked when something happens. I really shouldn't be, but it seems I like most human beings get shocked. I guess I could get hardened by these things like the people in disaster prone areas are. Like the little kids who play amidst the bombings, or drug wars, or natural disasters, knowing that it could happen at any minute...like I don't know, maybe get flippant about it like, oh wellll, at least it's not me...

I CAN'T DO THAT! I care too much to feel that way. Granted it is a mental relief but at the same time, all those innocent people. All those runners and observers. Just watching the race that only happens once a year. What about next year? Will they cancel out of fear? Will they try to overcompensate by having too much security? Will people show up if they do have it? All these things are on the minds of the people of Boston. The biggest thing is the pain, the frustration and the torment that they feel that bothers me the most. Maybe I am soft hearted, and weak that way but I can't ever understand how people can be so cold hearted to just kill other people for their beliefs, faith, or Anything else. It's too ridiculous to me to try to understand what they are trying to prove. Irony is that all forms of worship oppose killing. Except for defense, I do too. I wish there was no need for military force, or guns, or other defensive means. Reality tells me that it isn't possible for this to be... One day it will... One day Jesus Christ will rule this world and there will be NO need for violence or disasters...

Reality hits like a

bomb in a building the other day. Big and sudden and obscurely sad in an instant. Gary, Kyvon and I went to the movies and saw Les Miserables....it was great by the way.... What gave me a shock was what happened even before the movie started. As I randomly tripped the light fantastic up the stairs to sit in the tippity top row, Kyvon was helping his Papa come up the stairs. I heard them talking about where was I sitting so, finally coming too, I turned and looked as they started to ascend the stairs. There was my husband slightly bent over, searching for the guide rail and leaning on his cane. His knees were bothering him so he was using it. He looked so frail all of a sudden. I mentally stopped all gayity and stared for a couple minutes as he climbed his way to the top. Kyvon was guardedly guiding him up. I felt ashamed that I hadn't stayed with them and helped him up myself. After the movie, I even appologized to him.

I bring this up as I was handed a wonderful opportunity to share with someone my assistance and overlooked the situation. Kyvon was quite capable to assist him, but that wasn't the point for me. I looked at him like, 'How much longer do I keep this man?'.. It scared me. As I watched the movie, my mind went back often to the scene of our arrival. It really bothered me. The combination of the movie and the thinking really rattled me. I did enjoy our movie and I did pay attention to it fully. I could not get the picture out of my head. Gary is my one and only, my eternal mate and my best friend. It hurt to realize that I could lose him sooner than later. I know when the time is right, I will need to be ready for that to occur. Personally, having gone through it before, I don't want it to come too soon.

Reality sucks, its really hard to realize that can happen. Lots of things can change in my life and yours for that matter. Being prepared spiritually, physically and all other ways is what I've been trained to be. My father always told me to ask myself, what if? He didn't mean it in a negative way, he just wanted me to be prepared for what can happen. To learn to expect things to come along, positive or negative...( I almost lost this post). Anyway, getting back to the situation. I prayed about what I would do and was advised to simply avoid making a situation of it and to go on. Be prepared but don't panick.

I agree with this. It's better to know and accept what we can than to be blindsided and not understand what to do next. I love my husband always and forever, along with all my family and friends. I love my Heavenly Father for what he gives me. The love and understanding of a very patient man.

Gary is my best friend and always will be.